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Jul. 22nd, 2013

Mind Your Head

Losing Control

07/22/2013: 7/4/6

It seems since I have been having some trials and tribulation in relationship that  I would be experiencing some messed up dreams.

07/21/2013: 3:00-5:00 am Sunday
I became a target. I am not sure by whom. It seemed like a government - some agency. I was to be eliminated from this world. Myself and a few other women. They were all Asian. I am assuming that I was also Asian. I could not be certain that I was myself in the dream. The viewpoint was omnipotent to start; I could see all the individuals targeted and what they were doing. Once the women discovered they were targets, they began to change their appearance for a chance of surviving longer. I could see them: one was shopping for new clothes and another was changing their hair style and color at a salon. I seemed to be in the sky somewhere; flying. As I moved forward in the sky, I came across some platform in the sky. It was just hovering in the air. There was an airship very much like a plane, if not a plane itself. A mechanic was on board. While I was moving forward in the sky, it was as though I was targeting this man. A voice spoke to him, almost taunting him. He was going to get killed. From that perspective, I kept switching from the sky to being on the platform. The voice was menacing saying something like "You thought you could run away, you thought you could hide? The price you will pay, is death." And the platform started to fall apart. I was no longer in the sky but the man falling down from the platform. It was frightening. I was trying to calculate how long I had until I fell to my death. I was also able to move my mind to see where I would be falling and I was above some water; a lake or ocean couldn't be defined but I knew it was a large body of water. As I fell, I curled into fetal position and I watched myself from some other viewpoint falling. I wasn't even myself, perhaps, I was the man. It was not distinguishable. I was able to change the gravity somehow and making my land in the water non-lethal but the velocity of the fall was fast enough for me to dive deep. I wake up in some sort of cave under the water, It's blue. I am now myself and I am aware that my sisters are with my in presence. There is this white man, thin reminded me of Golam that lived in the caves. He didn't look scary like Golam but was thin. He spoke and the conversation seemed not to happen but understood that he landed in there years ago. He was in hiding from whatever force was eliminating people from the world. He began to show us tunnels and where they lead and we crawled through small spaces. I never saw my sisters but I knew they were with me. I just followed the man. Then the dream started to shift and the tunnel lead to some Hall. There was a short snippet about a King named King Malodrous (lol, could it be malodorous but it wasn't pronounced the same)or something like that. It didn't fit in the dream much but it happened. The dream continued to shift. I was now in a vehicle with the skinny man and he was in the back seat of the car. He was making orders. He was upset. I wasn't sure what he was upset about. He was uspet with me, something I did. He kept bickering and I felt sad. We were running away from something. Or were were being chased. The vehicle shifted and two new people appeared in the dream. Two old folks. Very old folks. They were inside black body bags. The old woman gets out of hers and sits on a bump in the back of the now extended vehicle. I don't know if I was telling them this live or I was just speaking in my mind but I was very concerned that we would get caught and that our escape depended on them pretending to be dead. We were quickly pulled over. The old lady sat there. It was almost as if they were already just ghosts. Very pale. Very old. They never spoke, that I recall. When this petite cop with short hair opened the back of the vehicle an unzipped the bag, the old man lay there in a puddle of fluids and it swished and his mouth gasped open. It was a bit frightening. Upon seeing this, the lady cop shouted "It's them!" So, we took off. I have no clue who was driving. The skinny man in the back bickered at me exclaiming it was my fault and then it was at that moment that I realized that man was a representation of my ex-husband. I felt even more saddened but we were trying to get away from these people chasing us. I thought if we drove into a school area crowded with children that this would shorten the chase but they were willing to shoot and kill anyone in the way. There were explosions and just horror. Something shifted and the next thing I know, I am being told "You didn't know, you didn't know did you?" And that I could find out what was really going on if I just walked into the Home Depot manager's office and he would tell me everything. I walked into the office and some man sat at a desk filled stuff and he was moving his hands like a magician. I walked in and asked, "So, what's going on? And he asks me to look at the computer monitor and I see that everything I had just experienced was a simulation. Nothing had been real.

07/22/2013 4:00-7:00 am Monday

I dreamt that Juan had been sleeping with my twin sister. I was very upset.

May. 4th, 2011

Mind Your Head

The Fire Within

05/02/2011: 5/2/4 (Monday-Tuesday)
I woke up minutes before 6:35 a.m. with an image of fire. It was as though I was looking at a picture. It had a white border on it - like it was a picture or image in a book. What was in my thoughts at the time was "fire and brimestone" and that I had been receiving messages all along but was not aware of them - like I was telling myself and showing instances where I 'missed' the 'clues'. WhenI woke-up the words "The Time Is Near" resonated in my mind. It stuck with me all day. 

I chatted with a friend later that day who ended up daying "The End is Nigh"
I thought that was curious.  

05/03/2011: 5/3/4 (Tuesday-Wednesday)
Before going to bed last night, I closed my eyes. An image appeared in my mind...appeared to be flower-like but very much the symbol of the North Star  (See image below)...4 pronged imagery. Inside the flower-star was what appeared to be a reptilian eye. I mentally confrimed reptilian eye when I recalled "The Eye of Saruman" from Lord of the Rings - the association made it clear.





05/04/2011: 5/4/4 (Tuesday-Wednesday)  
Last night, I had a wild convoluted dream with many real-life characters. However, the most prevalent was that my right eye was tranforming into something reptilian. I looked at my eye in the mirror and it was getting fleshy and large. I was not pleased with the transformation. I didn't necessarily hide it, though.

As usual, I do not naturally relate my dreams to waking life until the occurrence of synchroncity is so strong...

While at my chiropractor's...and while she worked on my "feminine" side of the body (left), I recalled the time an older asian lady saw my phoenix tattoo. She loved it...and said that I needed to compliment it with a male dragon on the opposite (left) side.



I am just noting that this recollection surfaced while I try and breathe out the pain releasing during my visit.

Today, when I picked-up my son....from school...he was quick to tell me about a new book he bought. It's "magical" and about "dragons" So, we sat down to talk...and he showed me the book. It's called Fire Star. The whole book is red and on the cover is the right eye of a red dragon. He turns the book around and asks me to read the synopsis.

It said:

There is a fire star coming, signaling a time of new beginnings. A time for dragons to rise again.

When I read that, it triggered the dream about 'fire and brimestone' and 'the time is near'

Then I looked below, before reading the rest of the synopsis, and saw that this was Book 3 of 4 books. The first one is called The Fire Within. When I looked at the cover of the Book 1, it was then that I noted that the cover of the book resembled - closely - what  I saw myself transforming into. 



In my mind, all of these occurrences are triggering memories of my dreams and are uncannily related somehow - down to the image of the flower star (See Book 3 Cover below - see inside the eye?)



The synopsis of this Book One is:
When David moves in with Liz and Lucy, he discovers a collection of hand crafted, clay dragons that comes to life and has magical powers. David's personalized dragon, Gadzooks, can forecast the future, and inspires him to write a story which reveals the truth behind an unsolved mystery close to home. The story has an unhappy ending, and when David realizes the consequences of it he is angry. Then David finds Gadzooks crying and near death, and he discovers that these special dragons die when they are not loved. Soon David is forced to save his friend and unlock the powers of the fire within.

  

Apr. 18th, 2011

Mind Your Head

"Empire of Dirt"

04/18/20011: 4/9/4

This last week has been ever changing; my life a crescent wave on the climb upwards. So much to report for myself and future reference.
The future. Holy shit. Yes, it's changing very quickly now.

So, I'll start with a recollection of several compoents of the last week. For one, I overbooked my calendar for www.pen-ya.org in the month of April. I am 3 interviews behind posting because...well..."life happens"... like Nick says.

I met with Aaron Long Tuesday afternoon. I got to speak to him about The Pen Ya Project and get plenty of 'words of advice'.  He was kind enough to take me to lunch where we chatted more personal happenings and life. That's always a good feeling to relate to someone other than just business. We ate Thai food. It was fantastic. I love Thai and...also I love that man. He's amazing. One day I'll be able to tell him how much I admire him. He has a lot of good advice that I had to...and still have to...sit and let digest. Take it slow...is the bottomline. So, I'm shifting into that awareness...also slowly.

This weekend I participated, as a trainee, at WHO-A. It's a women's correctional facility. It was one of the most powerful experiences I've had as a human supporting another. I felt so exhasuted after each night. I didn't realize being around so many people - in pain - could reduce the amount of energy in my body. I had absolutely zero for myself in the evening.

The program was also a pinnacle moment for growth between my friend and I. She stayed the night so we could ride together. If there was anyway quite so opposite than myself...she is one. Ha, I knew it but never to this degree. I love it and I grow to love her more and more. She is beginning to open up more to me and I appreciate the patterns of growth that we experience.

So, on another note. I wanted to mention her psychic abilities. She is very gifted - as am I. As all humans are. Saturday morning, after staying the night, she decides to tell me that she felt as though someone was watching her - with very inquisitively ...scrutiny . I had previously mentioned to her months ago that I felt a presence...very strong at times...watching me. She told me...yes, that she felt it. She said it was alien. I have yet to truly confirm this admonition but the fact is...that I am and have been...in touch with alien discovery for years. Also, since the year 2006, I've had several dreams in which aliens are present.
 
Whether they are alien, spritis, other beings...I don't know. I do know that they have spoken to me through humans. It has occurred 3 times in the last 2 years. I am without a doubt very clear when 'they' do this as it comes with a very strong physical sensation. Sometimes, I get nauseous as though something I don't want to know is being revealed to me. So, crazy? Maybe.

I'm still making it in this world. I have moved to something much better than I've ever had!   

 


Apr. 6th, 2011

The Krueger

04/06/2011: 4/6/4

I want to get my writing done this morning.

I had a crazy, sadistic dream. What is it with Freddy Krueger? I have a secret fascination with him. Is it because he’s ugly or because he scared the shit out of me when I was 8 years old. Well, whatever the unconscious – covered from my view – captivation…there are plenty of fictional characters I’d rather be dreaming about.

How about Stone Barrington?! I like older men! And he can look however I choose – he’s a book character. Hey, last chronicles I read were the Sookie Stackhouse Novels. How about Eric?! Pretty yummy…and I don’t mean the guy on the T.V. Series – I’m talking about the one made up in my head…or the Tiger guy (whose name I’ve now forgotten).

Wow, it’s…whew…been 3 years since I read those books. I loved mostly every minute of it. It was a long journey with them all…and I was deeply saddened when I picked up the last book. Since then two more have appeared in the series …and it’s my choice not to read them. I don’t want to make time for escape right now.  

Anyhow, the details of the dream are rather sparse. There was anger out lashed on his part. It was freaky. He even mutilated a little boy, I think…maybe a girl…because he was betrayed – or was it just because he or she was scared of Krueger? All too vague…now. We all kept transforming in age. We were in a school room too but it molted (molted…whatever…it’s the word the came to mind…not editing) into a bedroom every now and then.

Hell, I’m beginning to think that anyone in my dream – even the hundreds I’ve never met in waking life – are like…well, just me in different form. It’s never anyone else I’m really looking at. They are all just reflections of some character or personality trait of mine.

Oh and a weird pattern I’m noticing…and maybe it’s not weird…at all…but the names Eric and Michael are inundating my world. Ohhh…I guess those are just real common names but to be honest…those names were just not around my life until now….not even in college. What’s up with that?

I’ve never dated a Michael…but the last guy I dated – his name is Eric. Hmmmm…..Eric…he actually spelled it Eryk. I think about him…sometimes…but I don’t want to call him. We’re better off…

Anyway, I think it’s worth taking a look at. Earlier last year, I kept running in to people whose names started with the letter J. It was wild. But that’s just me…I like looking for patterns. I like to make them means something…however, a lot of time synchronicity is so intense…you can’t ignore it.

Like fasten your seat belts!!!!!!


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Apr. 5th, 2011

Mind Your Head

нет

04/04/2011: 4/4/4

In recollection of the weekend, I had a great weekend. I reacquainted with a couple from the ‘baseball’ days. Brey and I shared a fairly busy and well-rounded weekend.

04/05/2011: 4/5/4

I am putting my best foot forward but I have a rather small desire to throw an apple at someone.

Marriage, whew…no wonder I can’t see myself doing it again.

Two years and I’m still technically married. My ‘husband’ lives with his girlfriend and her three kids and well…that’s completely fine…what isn’t ‘fine’ is that he isn’t handling the affair. Drop a bogey on it, mister – just get it done.

There is still a part of me that wants to cry and scream…I’m reviving her right now as I write. I just can’t make someone do something if it is their choice not to do something. What the hell?    I have been served by the HOA.  No, WE have been served by the HOA for not complying with their rules. Rules not followed once I moved out. I can go on with pettiness. I am tempted to do it. But overall, this path…I created it. What can I say…there is a process for everything and this is but one process of growth – manifesting. I can still cuss can’t I? This bites. It’s biting me…this is what biting in the ass means…100% definition.

Oh yeah, I had another bite in the ass yesterday, too. That one is funny. It’s embarrassing but funny. I’ll deal with that one if it ever comes up. Perhaps, if I get clear of some things in my life…it won’t but I’m prepared to put it out there when it arrives. What I pay for a wild night of drinking…and choosing to do what is ‘not me’. Fact is, it was me…I consciously made the choice. I’m awesome!


Apr. 1st, 2011

Mind Your Head

Falling, falling, falling

04/01/2011: 4/1/4

What do you think it means if I say….”is that a maybe?”  I suppose silence is the best medicine but it doesn’t always work on me. It doesn’t deter me from expressing myself. I guess I’m an invader. I notice it doesn’t work for others (silence) and I don’t mind it– authentic or not…it’s what they are experiencing at the moment. I encourage voice. Ahh, however there are times that I just keep to myself – it’s a double lane.

Anyway, sometime last week I dreamt that I was careless with my camera and left my bag eff’n stashed somewhere I thought it would be safe…and it was stolen. Yeh – like dummy what the fuck were you thinkin’? The feeling was terrible as though I lost something very precious or I cheated myself or…just plain hurt. My camera is a tool, an extension…and while I don’t carry it everywhere…it still means a lot to me.

I have the urge to work creatively with my camera tonight and I’m hoping my son is up for the challenge. This idea surfaced weeks ago and I talked to him about being my subject. He seemed thrilled…now I don’t know why it was that we didn’t….or I didn’t follow through but tonight is good, I think.

Working with a couple would work better…ah… I wish my new acquaintance, S.W., was closer!

So, this morning and a few days have gone where I muse over the ability to daydream about one guy. I kind of think…well, how easy it is to idealize someone. Too easy. Then what? What good comes from this? It really is like a loaded gun. Now that I've idealized him enough, I can set him up for failure. Well, I know the game I play...and I play it because it keeps me single. Ironic?  Also, I'm done...with this crush. It's over in a manic kind of way. It's quite comical...the choice I've made...and how I entertain my single life. Comical or pathetic...both, I guess.

Hmmm…I remember my friend, K, translating this imaginative fancy so well one night…if only I kept those words.

The other day I wondered what the hell makes a female bird so fussy about the mate she chooses. If you’ve watched the BBC Series: Planet Earth…you’ll know what I mean – the birds-of- paradise scene, yeah. “A female gains gene for offspring that increase their survival or reproductive fitness by choosing a male that excels in courtship displays”.

Do we inherently have the same instinct? Boy, do I feel like I missed a lot not going to ‘regular’ college. 

Now, I’d like to investigate the dynamic of Polygyny, Polyandry, and Group Marriage. I know there was a show where Bill Paxton played a role in the same…what was it called...Big Love - yeah. I am now going to make an effort to watch this. Hell, it’s the best place to start. The research has been done and it'd be interesting to see the directors/writers view on this subject. 

Falling, falling, falling….
 


Mar. 31st, 2011

Mind Your Head

Parenting...and self-indulgence

03/31/2011: 3/4/4

I think watching ducks fly is one of the most beautiful experiences to have in the morning -particularly when they are eye level. On my drive this morning, two handsome ducks flew – one before the other – in direct line with my eyes [to the left ]. They’re long necks are adorable… and graceful. Birds are just amazing in general.

Before dropping my son at school, he noted a crow and a grackle ‘boxing’ in a sandbox that belongs to a Baptist church on the corner of the intersection.. I asked, “Well, how do you know one is a crow and the other is a grackle?” He said, “One is brown and the other is black.”

Hahaha, ok…I said, “Well, they are both grackles – the brown one is a female and the black one is a male.” …but that’s where I left it. Then I brought up the ‘Fight of the Grackles’ I saw last week. Simmer…on that information, son! Its spring…he’s smart and observant enough. To directly speak about the ‘birds and bees’ …I’m not ready…though we’ve already touched many bases on it through the years.

Just last night as he looked through the new Wildlife Explorer binder his maternal grandmother gave him, he expressed his discord with a mother giraffe giving birth. He said - after I made my under appreciation for the naked mole rat known– “Yeh, but I don’t like this too much… (as he turns to the giraffe page and points to the image and stages of birth)…the baby plops out of her butt. It’s gross!”

And so…regress… I must to the idea that women give birth from ‘the anus’…and to add…we use long, cotton sticks (that he happened to find in the restroom cabinet) to stop us from getting the runs! Or whatever….else…he imagined. Parenthood…it is the greatest experience of all – especially when one is moving towards a whole new awareness!

Strawberries -another awesome experience; the slow bursting of tang in your mouth when biting into a strawberry. It’s deliciously excitable!  Very often I lack engrossing myself in the experience of flavor. I have often said that if I could go without eating or have an intravenous food source I wouldn’t miss that boat –sign me up as soon as fucking possible. Though…there are times when I am so connected to the experience of taste…that I have to revoke my idiocy. Can I do that –revoke idiocy!?

On another note, I’m reading an acquaintance’s blog. His name is Eric Wilson. He’s an Austin musician. I briefly met him a little over a month ago. He’s pretty good. As a matter of fact, good is an understated remark. I find his lyrics and music are very passionate. The name of his album is called The Twenties. I am excited to know that he’ll be writing new songs...hmmm…possibly a culmination of his early thirties and experiences abroad?!!!! Yeh…he’s currently a ‘tourista’  across the great divide. I’m intrigued to read of his experiences. It’s like crack…though I’ve never tried it…I imagine the addiction is the same. It’s a ‘fix’ to invent my own version and imagery of his story in my mind (I have no pictures to relate to). I even conjure up visions of the day I will be on my own journey.

Last year, I met two people that invited me to up and go – one, two weeks in Peru and the other, a month in Europe. At that moment in time, I invoked limitless worries. I left it open but it was very obvious that my answer was a ‘negative’.

Wow, imagine…people in and out of your life, the precession of culture, and having nothing but time to wander, note, and experience. Sounds lovely. I may have to wait to take my journey. Alone…is not how I will experience it…because my son deserves the refinement of experience.

I tweak…yeh, I have tweaked…because in the past alone is the only place I felt was ‘my home’. Alone. I thought the only way I could live...was alone. And I'd heard from the Universe - through channels - that I needed  support. "Working together with others, Fellowship with others, The Army needs preserverance"

Everywhere I looked, it seemed I could find  evidence of support - close-knit families, long-term couples, well-oiled teams in the corporate world...and yet, I felt it was difficult to attain. Why

I used to fear ‘finding’ myself because I thought it meant my relatable-ness would dissipate. No one likes a person who is always happy. It is true a large mass of people can’t relate to HAPPINESS because they don't know how to create it for themselves. And so fuckin' what? Nevertheless, I was scared to learn. If I learn how to create happiness, then I leave the ‘dark’ behind - completely! What does that even mean?

The fact is…it’s never lost. We live in a world of duality - where polarities are a necessity; one simply does not survive without the other. The only difference is clarity in knowing how to create your own HAPPINESS. Anyone? Anyone....know what that means? And guess what?!!!!  I feared that I would lose my capability to write in Anger, Judgement, ConfusionWithholding, Avoidance, Guilt, and Attachment . Low and behold, I am 150% capable of doing so, if I choose! And there's even more power in doing so...because...NOW... I have the clarity to see how it strung me along.

Little play strings! 

Mar. 30th, 2011

Mind Your Head

Transformation

03/30/2011: 3/3/4

With as many times…that I wake-up with the word ‘transformation’ echoing in my mind; I begin to wonder what realm of sleep I am in. It’s been frequent in the last month. The Matrix - it’s quite clear - there is evidence - my programming is changing. The Script.

If [X != dreamworld.db”] then if [X != “transformation”] then if [X != “map.pdf”]
then export
X/matrix/myproject/resources/boar.fox.cat.rabbit.hawk.spider.bat.cockroach.snake.
animalspeak



Today, I actually thought I was a Desert Horned Viper before completely waking up. I could feel my body moving… sliding across my bed in a sinuous movement as I saw the snake in bird’s eye perspective – on my bed. I was seeing me (except my bed sheets were more bluish than they grey they really are). Oddity thrives in the onset of darkness in my mind.

I love it, no matter what! Who is a WACKADOODLE NUTSY CUCKOO? 

Animal Speak: “The snake has long been a symbol of death and rebirth. It sheds its skin as it outgrows the old. This death and rebirth cycle is part of what a snake represents. Before the snake sheds its skins, its eyes cloud over – it gives the snake a trancelike appearance. To many mystics and shamans this indicated the ability to move between the realms or the living and the dead, of crossing over from life to death and then back to life again.”

In the last two days, my dreams consist of death, mortuary strangeness, and manipulation.

Theatre District of the Woman: 03/29/2011

Yesterday, I walked around a corner plaza of which looked like an old theatre district (theatres very prominent lately, as well). The era was that of 60’s and early 70’s. However, my body had more of a late 80’s feel. I was with my twin sister. I ‘knew’ the place was something of a museum owned by an influential woman. This woman rattled my nerves in some unknown intuitive way. One part of me admired her and the other feared. Life without polarities is impossible...I imagine.

Either way, my sister and I walk in. There are lots of people all dressed in 70’s classy attire and a lot of them are smoking. I walked in taking in the scene but in the middle of the ‘museum’ stood a staircase. This staircase was square and rose-up at least four stories. Each floor had (four- maybe) rooms in which visitors could enter and appreciate the interior decorating and art.

My sister and I passed many people walking up and down the stairs – couples in a more modern era, older men, and women. Hmm…now that I think of it…most of the older folks seemed to represent the era of their prime as did the young folk. Don’t think my prime was late 80’s…it’s just how I felt.

I don’t recall entering any rooms until we got to the very top. I can remember over hearing conversations but what was said no longer has any existence in my memory. My sister and I end up in a room with two sections. I recall feeling like we weren’t supposed to be in that room. I take a closer look at everything in the room and come to realize that we have invaded the owner’s room. It is then that I remember that she had mystical powers and if she found out that we invaded her room, she may very well…well, do something not very pleasant.

I looked to the right and walked towards where ‘I knew’ my sister had previously treaded while I visually ‘took in’ the master bedroom. The restroom was well lit from outside light and everything was very bright and white. The bedroom had thick curtains which allowed little light. The bed spread was a plush maroon with ornate detail gold threading. The prominent colors were maroon and gold and very 30’s décor. 
I kept calling to my sister saying, “We have to get out. This is not right. We need to leave before we are discovered.” It occurred to me now that she had walked out somehow and because of this…I was stuck. It was like one for one…one in, one out. I tried breaking a hole in the Venetian doors that somehow were the only place I knew would provide an escape. I think this is how Roxanne got out.  I ended up escaping and telling Roxanne “Let’s get the fuck out of here and quick!” I didn’t want to cause alarm so we didn’t run. I was so relieved to be back outside the theatre.

Standing outside looking lost was a beautiful girl - long dark brown hair, about 5’9, in her late to early 30’s. I think her name was Beth. She was looking for a man named Michael. I walked up to her (at this point Roxanne has disappeared) and I ask her if she needed help. When I touched her, I could see her history. She was looking for a man she had gone to the theatre with. I then recall seeing them walking down the stairs together. He, however, was a lying douche bag. It was revealed to me that the lady, the owner of the theatre, paid Michael – a heroin addict – to clean up his act and seduce Beth to her theatre. She wanted, needed Beth to be there…and Michael was charming enough to seduce her into relations. I dunno – weird, I know. (By the way, Michael looked like Dexter actor, Michael C. Hall, with darker hair and much thinner).

I don’t recall what happened after this ‘knowing’ other than there was a murder and I was called to go ‘on-site’. I saw a young black man lying on the ground with a large slit behind his right ear to this throat. It feels like we are on a platform. The surrounding area was a visual blur but had the feeling of my grandma’s yard. Police offers began to point out or speak about the scene. I then come to realize that I was being tested. The murder was staged so that I could prove my loyalty and responsiveness. Either way, the police continue by showing me how to process the body only NOW they are showing me how to mummify the body – from removing organs and all.

03/30/2011

Dream#1
: I was in a morgue - my purpose unknown. I was investigating something but I was trespassing. I had to hide. There were 2 bodies that I could visually see  a strawberry blonde woman and an older man.

Dream#2: I am holding a 4 or 5 year old Chinese boy on my shoulders. We are playfully looking at the mall below us from some high point. Below this platform, stood either his older brother or dad. This man kept calling for me to throw this kid down there. I declined saying it wasn't safe. The kid got excited at the idea. I kept playing the scene over in my mind on how to approach this circumstance. "If I just hang him down from his hands...the man can catch him in his arms...or if I drop him this way...he'll be safe" I could see myself performing this action…and in this moment of contemplation, the kid fucking jumps off and over jumps - way out of the man's distance. He falls behind a 4ft. wide pot. My perspective immediately went to his side while I stood at the top . I could see his face up close – he broke his leg. I could feel his little warm body. I wanted to nurture him so I changed my perspective back and ran down the escalators to his side. I picked him up – looked at his broken leg…and held him. He was so warm and not very, very scared. He had little white shoes. I placed my hands above the broken area…and began to heal him.

Dream#3: I can surface fleeting memories of a guy I used to date. He was trying to get a hold of me to tell me he was going to move back to the country of Jordan and wanted to personally say good-bye. He contacted me via Facebook. I took a moment to review his profile and photos where I ‘felt bad’ for just up and ‘dropping’ him. Our relationship, after all, was “just for fun’ as he always stated until he wanted ‘more’.

Then next thing I know…I’m trying to wake-up and the word ‘Transformation” repeating like an echo in my head and I see the Desert Horned Viper in my bed and feel my body simultaneously move with what I’m seeing in bird’s eye perspective. It was beautiful!!!!
 


Mar. 29th, 2011

Mind Your Head

Well, today....Penises

Today, I did what I hadn’t done in a very long time…think about a penis. Yeh. I did. Not intentionally. Not at all…especially since I never intended to look at the ‘owner of said penis’ in such a fashion. Waaaa….

I will blame it on my friend. It’s all her fault. We were steadily joking about crushes and her friend’s awesome perspective about having them and…I coyly admitted enjoying crushing on one man – in particular - because it’s safe and I don’t believe I’ll ever have a connection with him. It was then…I didn’t even get to finish my confession when she blurted “you’re thinking about his penis!” Well, that’s the best I can do with recollection…give or take other occurrences – like the waiter asking me for another drink…or something like that.

I also blame my imagination for being so quick to pull on that imagery. I actually felt nauseous. No, I’m not gay. It was just so unexpected. I declare…lately…I’m so bad to bad…I’m good. That’s the truth. Bad has taken a backseat on my voyage. A blessing really - no drama.  

So, the event is now…that I am blushing behind my glasses. Fortunately, I don’t see my crush very often. I don’t think I could look him in the eye without thinking how I’ve already undressed him in my mind. Believe me; it was very quick - kind of a ‘too bad’ situation – now I’m really curious. 
 
It’s not; I’m sure, uncommon to undress someone. I know men do it all the time – wonder what women look like underneath their clothes. I know some women fantasize about ‘how big some guy’s dick is’. Ehh. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m just not one to do that – not automatically. There’s no class in it for me. Surprises are much more pleasant – of any kind. Shock is, after all, a surprise too.

And no…size doesn’t matter. And if a guy doesn’t know how to use it…either show him or move on. It’s an easy choice.
Well, now it's gone too far....

Mar. 28th, 2011

Mind Your Head

Family Talk


What a great weekend trip. I was really hesitant to cancel PenYa interviews last week but after seeing my uncle and my cousin…I realized it was well worth the minor trepidation. My uncle is doing better than I imagined but I know he can make a full recovery and I’m planning on heading up to Austin once every 3 months (if not more often).

On my drive to S.A Friday, I began to daze…leave it to coincidences to wake me up. About the time I recognized I was in a supreme trance…I heard a large BOOM and black stuff was banging on my truck. Fortunately for me, the 18 wheeler next to me didn’t swerve the 10 flattened cars he had loaded into my lane after his tread popped off everywhere. Freaky.

Saturday, my twin and I met my cousin’s friend, Kavi after hanging out @ Simplicty Wine Bar. Kavi is a real nice guy. His place was in the heart of downtown – well, somewhere downtown. I’m not all that familiar with Austin. All four of us stayed up until 4 am cracking jokes about Roxanne and how cruel she used to be to me – back in the day. I’m glad we could laugh about it and that she took it all in stride and even chimed in with her own mockery. If not, I might have gotten ‘socked’. Too funny…Kavi had some good jokes on that too! I’d like to have stayed longer to chat with Kavi about fractals – love it. Maybe some other time.

I hadn’t hung out with my cousin in 12 years. I was remembering the only time we hung out in HS… in embarrassment. We all hung out at one of his friend’s house (good lookin’ fella) after his older sister’s wedding. If impression was what I was after….I didn’t succeed. I was too busy trying to ‘out-do’ myself. I weighed no more than 100 lbs. and vowed to win 3-man, a drinking game, with Wild Turkey and other liquors. My cousin had to carry me into my bedroom after throwing up outside of his truck while waiting to get some food into my stomach at Whataburger. What a disappointment – I’m glad those days are long gone.


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